Party Political Broadcast on behalf of LID (Liberal Irish Democrats)
We, in the newly formed party LID, appeal to all debt fearing people living in the Republic of Ireland or abroad in tax havens to support our Party at the forthcoming General Election. Here are our policies and promises
1. If elected we will rename the general election. Hence forward it will be called the Election of Generals. We realize the plain people of Ireland are looking for Generals, for leaders in thought and action.
2. Our lovely lady candidates will be chosen only from model agencies and from the Rose of Tralee pageant. In line with our political partners in Italy we wish only attractive lady candidates to grace our TV screens. Life is tough enough we feel without having to watch ugly politicians.
3. We will cancel all foreign debt immediately. We will write a polite but firm note to the Germans by way of apology.
4. Similarly we will cancel all bank debt with immediate effect. Of course we feel sorry for savers, but if they cannot be bothered spending money then they will hardly miss it.
5. We will cancel all unemployment. With immediate effect all people without a job will report to their local county council with a shovel and will be given jobs around the area.
6. In the words of the Gospel ‘All potholes will be filled in, all gardens will be tidied, all graffiti will be removed’.
7. Overseas students of the English language will be welcomed and put up in subsidized accommodation in our surplus hotels.
8. Nama will be closed down over a period of three weeks. Everything it owns will be sold off between now and Christmas.
9. The Department of Happy Marriages will ban divorce and outlaw affairs, especially Foreign Affairs, which will be overseen by the department of the same name.
10. The Irish language will be banned in public unless people can show they can speak it properly. The Gaeltacht will be closed down officially next spring and the Bean a ti will be encouraged to take in Chinese students.
11. Every garden will have to possess a vegetable patch on pain of being forced to eat fast food takeaways.
12. The department of Health will be closed down. No one will actually notice for a few months but the savings will come in handy immediately.
13. The Department for family names will outlaw the cruel practice of calling children ‘Bertie’.
14. We will consider becoming an overseas province of China if they promise to give us lots of money like the Europeans – we will also consider overtures from the USA, Australia, Canada and any other country which still has some money.
15. We will leave the EU before they leave us, probably by summer next. We will still have good relations with people we fancy, the French above all. Europe will hardly miss us. We won’t miss them. The Eurovision is overrated as is European Football, Euro Disney, Euro star and Euro.
16. We will consider proposing Sarah Palin as our Presidential Candidate. We feel she would be the perfect person. She is after all very pretty. And when she is not keeping an eye on the Russians from her kitchen in Alaska, she can keep an eye on the British from the Aras (The President’s Residence in the Phoenix Park)
17. We will cancel the tourist/travel tax immediately and replace it with tourist stamps that can be redeemed at any hotel or restaurant.
18. In a drive to reduce imports we will ban the import of wine and give every family a home brew kit and fire extinguisher.
19. To prepare for Global Warming we will issue every family in low lying areas a canoe and a flare.
20. All national hospitals will be shut down and local hospitals will be given extra resources
21. All prisons will be shut down. All prisoners will be made do community service instead of serving time in prison. Dangerous prisoners will be sent to Spike Island where they will have to cook and wash for themselves.
22. We will introduce legislation to force politicians to tell us what they do in their spare time. This should lift the lid on everything. It’s not for nothing that our party is called LID and our members are called LIDERS (for pronunciation imagine you are in Spain Or Greece on holidays with Shirley Valentine).
23. Our Party was formed from the very brightest young minds in the other political parties. If our party is small it speaks volumes about the others
24. Vote for LID. Vote early and vote often!