Not so much looking down as across..

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Don't be silly Noddy!!

Noddy Rides Again association (NRAa)

We represent a middle income, midlands based group of economists, bankers, lawyers, consultants and politicians who failed to see the recession coming but feel we will be in a much better position second time round to assist and advise.

We are happy to give of our time for a modest fee to advise the National Roads Authority (NRA) in their strategy going forward.

The purpose of this kwango – not to be confused with ‘quango’ – spelt (and pronounced in some parts of the country) differently – is to further develop the marvelous NRA decisions to their illogical end.

In this regard we note the recent suggestion by the NRA to have multiple tolls on the M50, Dublin's orbital road and only thing that seems to work these days. This excellent idea, if developed, would see nearly all the cars currently using the M50 use the alternative routes through house-friendly areas and pram-littered suburbia. To accelerate this process we suggest closing down the M50 completely. Studies by some of our experts show that if there were no cars at all on the M50 the number of accidents might reduce significantly going forward. The cost of building the M50 could be recouped by selling it to countries with significant infrastructural defecits – like Afghanistan – or countries in immediate need of bridges – for example Pakistan, at a discount of course.

The excellent initiative of the NRA to often refuse planning for petrol stations and rest areas on our Motorways could be further developed illogically to all main roads ensuring there are no unsightly queues outside petrol stations that might unnerve the odd tourist who has got lost on a badly signed main road. By closing down petrol stations on all main roads it is likely that local and community petrol forecourts will thrive – which has to be a good thing going forward.

NRAa recommends courses for graduates who cannot find jobs elsewhere in a brand new Petrol Pump Attendant University somewhere in the midlands – anywhere will do. Here academics who have nothing to say on other subjects can say nothing on this subject. The NRAa sees these courses as a drive to boost the SMART economy both here and abroad going forward. The NRAa is not quite sure how many petrol stations there are in the world but has retained a group of consultants to unselfishly criss cross the world for the next five years, travelling in first class, to bring us back the numbers and the export opportunities. Our first meeting with the Minister for Cul de Sacs was successful, we guessed, as our suggestions brought tears to his eyes.

In a further revolutionary development the NRAa is recommending the abolition of rear view mirrors in all cars driven by kwango members or their extended families. As all these drivers have perfect hindsight a fortune can be saved on the import of these mirrors and old mirrors can be recycled under our Green initiative – ‘Let he who looks in the mirror cast the first stone, and the second and third too’.

The NRAa questions the wisdom in having all roads lead to Dublin. We feel that perhaps all roads might lead to Athlone where most of the Kwango members live. We feel this initiative would be in tune with the Governments spatial strategy which almost no one understands and the few that do, avoid it.

No animals were harmed in the production of this review just as no expense was spared either. Your comments on a post card please to ‘The Kwango, NRAa HQ, Athlone Bypass, Middle Ireland’. We do not expect to be in a position to read your comments for some weeks as we are out for lunch with Big Ears.

Our mission statement – Ireland is different – let’s keep it that way!

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